Please Stay Cool, Salida…

In these, the days of Britney Spears and State sanctioned murder, I sometimes like to think that here in our valley we’re different. We all walk (or float, or ride, or whatever the kids are into) to the beat of a different drummer. We’re not subject to the nonsense that unfolds (or in many cases oozes) beyond our beautiful mountain borders. We take the time to smell the roses, pet the dogs, and say hello. We understand that one is morally obligated to ski when there are 15 or more new inches of fresh snow on the mountain, and therefore can’t make it to work until noon-ish. We know that when it snows those smooth Salida roads will be expertly zambonied, with just the right amount of ice left over to allow us to slide completely through most of our stop signs as we sort of half-wave / half-shrug to the other drivers who had the good fortune to actually stop. We’re all pretty cool around here… Right?

But then I pick up the paper and I’m reminded of what’s really going on, not just out there in the big city, where you have to go into a specifically designated exercise facility to legally climb on something… but here, too.

Have you listened to yourselves lately?

It wasn’t but a year ago that I was reading all about the terrifying deer infestation that has locked Buena Vista and the surrounding area into Threat Level Orange.

“What will we do?!? There are so many of them! Shall we kill them!? Sell them!? Create a presidential exploratory committee on their behalf??!?”

Now, as I watch the markets fall alongside our intelligence quotients, I’m also watching deer being fed less than 90 miles away by highway (less than 40 as the crow flies… or… the deer… walks) because the snow has never ever been this horrifyingly deep in the history of our fine Planet Earth.

While flipping between my 1000 channels of programming (why do you suppose they call it that, eh?) I realize that this is a rerun of “Wish I Was Famous” and I pick up my trusty Mountain Mail… And I see that, in a time when gas prices are unreasonable (unless you’re Saudi Royalty) and our toys are covered in Chinese lead, the good people of this valley have allowed their overlords to insist that possession of chickens (even sanctioning adult chickens!) is an atrocity to be vanquished. (Author’s Note: I hereby declare my candidacy for Salida Chicken Capturer, assuming I get all the fancy benefits that go along with working for The Man… And a cool net-shooter thing… More on this some other time).

While the nation’s housing market screeches to a halt and we very wisely give all those who have proven themselves to be bad with money a free $600 paycheck, I read deeper into the brilliant and inspiring thoughts published on this very editorial page. I see that those of us who ride bicycles on roads and highways instead of on the (hundreds of miles of really quite nice) bicycle trails in the area are upset that vehicles are also on those roads (I imagine that they might be less bothered if the vehicles were a lot more tight fitting and had a cool corporate logo on the back)… And, in response, the drivers of those vehicles would like to suggest that we need yet another licensing fee imposed upon us all… Yeah, that’s just what we need. An eight year old getting pulled over for expired plates. I assure you, the moment your County and City “Representatives” read the suggestion that we license bicycles their little beady eyes flashed dollar signs. Expect to see a proposal after the election sleazon… er… season. (Author’s Note: I also hereby declare my candidacy for Salida Bicyclist Hassler… I’m hoping there’s another net-shooter thing involved. Just kidding, bike crazies. I love you, too).

“What’s your point, Todd?”, you must be asking by now. My point is simply this: Please, please, please don’t let it happen here. This valley, your town, your backyard… belongs to YOU. If you and all of us act a little more like understanding neighbors, maybe we don’t need the weasels (local, state, and beyond) who pounce on a new chance to tell us how to live or tell us to “pay up or else.” Time was you could say, “We do things a little differently up here” in our (your) valley. These big, beautiful mountains have long sheltered us from most of the nonsense that passes for reality out there… and that’s what made us all pretty cool around here. Let’s not blow it, okay? I’m counting on you, the fine citizens of the Upper Arkansas Valley, to rise up! Don’t you all remember hearing something about a free country at some point? Do we really want to live in a place that finds every way it can to force you into asking permission (and then pay the required fee)? Are we really so bothered by our neighbors?

In closing, please consider these things a bit… and please excuse my gratuitous use of parenthesis… and thanks for listening. Stay cool.